1 in 8

I know I’ve been absent on here for a little while, and I’m finally feeling brave enough to explain why. My husband and I have been trying to get pregnant now for 10 months. To most people, that probably doesn’t seem like a very long time, and, I guess in the grand scheme of life, it’s not. But when you’ve gone through fertility issues before, it feels like forever. And walking through infertility in an already chaotic year like 2020 has felt pretty overwhelming to be honest. Studies show that about 1 in 8 couple experience infertility in the U.S., so while we are clearly not alone, at times this season has felt isolating.

Nick and I did our third IUI last week. For those of you who aren’t familiar with the term IUI, it stands for “intrauterine insemination”. Super sexy, huh?? ;) This is how we ended up getting pregnant with our son, Lucas, a few years ago. Luckily, we only had to do one IUI to get pregnant with him. Prior to getting pregnant with Lucas, we tried for a little over a year and a half on our own and then had 8 months of infertility treatments before getting that positive pregnancy test. We were SO happy that day. It was literally like living a dream. All that to say, being on IUI number three this round has us in some uncharted territory.

While I love sharing and relating with people about the hard things I’m walking through, opening up and talking about my emotions and the darker places my mind can go is incredibly difficult for me. Because, honestly, I’m not doing so great right now. These past 6 weeks, I’ve been experiencing extreme anxiety. I haven’t sleeping well. My motivation is way down, and I’m constantly feeling like I could cry at the drop of a hat. Just so everyone knows, I finally did open up to my husband and our fertility doctor, and I am going to start seeing a therapist to help me work through all of this. But it took me far too long to mention to anyone about how I was feeling. I realized that on top of everything else I was feeling, I felt so much shame in admitting how beat up I felt on the inside. About 10 years ago, I walked through a season of depression and anxiety, and I think feeling this way again has made me feel defeated. Also, as mothers, I feel like we have this overwhelming need to look and feel strong in our roles as caregivers in our families. But in reality, we are human too. We have all the negative emotions as well as the positive ones. And for whatever reason, it feels selfish to admit when we are having a difficult time because it feels like we are putting our feelings above everyone else’s.

Before 2020, I wouldn’t have considered myself a “controlling” person. But this year has reminded me how out of control life can get. And this year has taught me that when I feel like my life is getting out of control, it causes me to have severe anxiety and my coping mechanism for that anxiety is to control. I learned several years ago that getting pregnant is not in my control, and that thought was incredibly eye opening for me within my faith. My faith in God changed drastically with that realization, and my prayer life/quiet time with the Lord had never been better. But, a lot of life has happened since then, and truth be told, I fall short most days when it comes to making time for Jesus. I try to remember to give myself a little grace because in these last few years I’ve become a new mom who is still working part-time. I try my best not to make excuses, but I’ve found recently, that the only things that have been able to ease my anxiety when it starts to build is prayer and talking through the hard stuff with someone. While I’m making personal steps to make more time with Jesus, I have also slowly started opening up to some people closest to me and it has really helped lift some of the emotional heaviness I’ve been experiencing. 

Sometimes I feel like when we are in the midst of the struggle all we want is to feel seen. We don’t necessarily want to be fixed or redirected. We just want people to see us and validate our feelings of pain and disappointment for just a moment. So, here I am telling you, that while on the outside I might be smiling, there are many days that on the inside I’m feeling exhausted and worn down. I might be moving through the motions while my energy tank is on negative 50 percent. But knowing that there is someone out there also experiencing my pain and heartache, well, there is nothing more comforting and reassuring. I might feel crazy most days, but it is nice knowing I’m not the only one feeling the exact same way. So, if you’re reading this and feeling the same way, I encourage you to please reach out to someone you trust and open up to them. All of your problems might still be there by the end of the conversation, but there is such a freedom in not bearing the weight of your struggles alone.

I have found that there is so much power and encouragement in walking through hardship with someone other than myself. I also have found so much comfort in hearing that someone else is going through something similar, whether in person or on social media. So, for all the women out there who just want the chance to be a mother, I see you. For all the women out there that already have children, but want to continue to grow their family but can’t, I see you. For those women who didn’t struggle with infertility the first go around, but are experiencing it now, I also see you. Our experiences may not be exactly the same, but I know what it feels like when your body is letting you down and you feel broken. I know what it feels like for your toddler to point your belly and ask “baby?” when your womb is empty. I know what it feels like to see another negative pregnancy test when you were so certain you were finally going to see a positive this month. So if you choose to reach out to me here or reach out to someone in your inner circle, I challenge you to make that next step. Don’t walk this valley alone. Because it can feel so isolating and lonely, but most certainly doesn’t have to be.