First Comes Love…
I’m a firm believer that until we learn how to love ourselves, we are unable to fully love another. I’m sure that’s a phrase most of y’all have heard before, but I’ve found this to be very true in my life. Not only can we not fully love someone else until we love ourselves, but we also can’t fully receive the unconditional and amazing love Christ has for us until we learn to love ourselves. This is something I’ve battled with a lot in my walk with Jesus. I’ve always struggled with not feeling worthy enough for such a pure love. I’ve had many moments of shame and feelings of failure. And I’ve even felt like I had to do certain things to “win” His love, like it was some kind of prize I had to work tirelessly to achieve. Even after hearing sermon after sermon explaining how that wasn’t true, I still found myself doing it subconsciously, even now.
Everyone’s lives and circumstances are different. What was a trial for me may have been a walk in the park for you and visa versa. For me, I would consider being bullied for 3 years in middle school one of the biggest and first true trials of my life. There are so many things I could share here, but what I want the people reading this to understand is that what I took away from that whole experience was a lot of negative thoughts about myself and zero self esteem. Over the years, this would turn into self hatred and a major lack of self love. My parents then got divorced and I carried the weight of that because I was the oldest child. Add all of that together and you would find yourself a pretty lost teenage girl with a lack of morals approaching college, and you can only imagine what happened next.
However, right before I started college, my sister came home from JH Ranch truly on fire for God. I had never seen anything like it. I remember listening to her talk about everything she experienced and thinking to myself that I really wanted a relationship with Christ like she was describing. But I felt so unworthy at the time. I remember being so jealous that she was experiencing such an amazing, life-changing experience and I was stuck in my own miserable life. But her sense of freedom stuck with me. For almost 3 years in college, I tried finding love in so many worldly things because I just didn’t feel like God could forgive me for the things that I had done. I saw myself as ugly and weird and an all around unimportant person. I didn’t see how God could love someone so broken. But at the same time, I was desperate for His love. I found myself trying to build a relationship with Him, but then I would stray which would put me into even more of shame spiral. For several months, I found myself in this pattern of trying to change and be a better person, but feeling like I was falling short. I felt like I was treading water in the middle of the ocean, just trying to make it shore, but not really making any progress. I remember reading Matthew 11:28 for the first time, “Come to me, all of you who are weary and burdened, and I will give you rest”, and thinking ‘Wow, I want that’. So I would pray for that, but kept feeling like my prayers were going unanswered. It felt like my burden kept getting heavier.
I became severely depressed. I could hardly look in the mirror without thinking horrible things about myself. I remember feeling so depressed that my body physically hurt. I found myself one morning literally lying face down on my bedroom floor crying and praying for all of those painful feelings to go away. This was truly my lowest point. But, then heard a voice tell me ‘Get up’. I had heard about people “hearing” God speak to them, and I never really believed them. But, that day, I knew exactly who was speaking to me. It was as clear as day. And while I’ve never heard God speak to me that clearly since, whenever I wonder if He is really listening or if He is really there, I remember that day. After that, I spent a whole summer alone, learning to love myself and, in turn, was finally able to receive the love God had for me all along. God brought Nick back into my life. He used Nick to show me that I was beautiful even through my flaws. And Nick has been a constant earthly reminder that I am worthy of love.
My journey after that day has not been perfect. I still stumble and fall. I can be quick to speak and slow to listen. As hard as I try, I’m sure I’ve hurt people along the way. I try my best to always be patient, but if I’m being honest, I can be pretty easily irritated at times. I can find myself sometimes still trying to “win” Gods love and approval. But through the healing process that took place inside my soul after I picked myself off the floor all those years ago, I’ve learned that our past doesn’t define us. Ive learned that our God does not keep score of our transgressions. My God knows me, everything about me. He knows my good parts and my not so good parts. He knows my mind better than anyone else possibly could, and let me tell you, my mind can go to some pretty dark places. And He still chooses to love me. But because I choose to love Him and follow Him, He forgives me of all my sins. I may not feel deserving of that at times, but as long as I keep returning to the foot of the cross whenever I fall short, Jesus will welcome me back with open arms. So you will find me there time and time again, worshipping when times are good or bad. Because when I felt that I was broken beyond repair, the Lord found me and put me back together again. And He promises to do that all the days of my life.
I want to leave you with Romans 8:37-39:
“No, despite all these things, overwhelming victory is ours through Christ, who loved us. And I am convinced that nothing can ever separate us from God’s love. Neither death nor life, neither angels, nor demons, neither our fears for today nor our worries about tomorrow- no even the powers of hell can separate us from God’s love. No power in the sky above or in the earth below. Indeed, nothing in all creation will ever be able to separate us from the love of God that is revealed in Christ Jesus our Lord”.
